Five Out of Five
by lightpoint
Summary: It's the absolute worst case scenario for every TFA ship ever...Luke Skywalker is everyone's Father. AKA: 'The one where the Skywalker Family Drama gets hashed out on the Jerry Springer Show.' Complete and utter crack. Luke Skywalker/OFCs, Jedistormpilot, Kylux, Reylo, Hux/Phasma/Kylo...etc.


**Author's Note:** See Author Page for more notes.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing Star Wars related. I'm just doing this for fun!

"So do you know what the hell we're doing here?" Rey muttered in Phasma. The apprentice Jedi was seated on a well-worn couch, smushed between the Stormtrooper Captain (in full armor, no less), and Kylo Ren, also in full armor (sans helmet), who was enjoying having half of her ass in his lap a little too much, the dick.

Said couch was also hosting her friends, Finn and Poe Dameron, unfortunately on Kylo's other side. A very unhappy General Brendol Hux II was pressed between Phasma's armor and the arm of the couch, his face squished and red against her breastplate, breath fogging the otherwise mirrorlike metal.

The 6'3'' woman tried to turn toward her, and failed utterly.

"No," she said, filtered voice somehow conveying a lifetime's worth of exasperation.

"You guys ok?" asked Poe, trying to work up some more saliva. His mouth felt roughly the same as a roll of sandpaper in the desert.

"I think someone drugged us," said Finn, glaring pointedly at Hux.

"Don't look at _me,"_ said the General, ungluing his lips from Phasma's armor with a wet _pop._

They were seated on a brightly lit stage, the design a cheap imitation of a 500 Republica suite. All five of them were stuck to one of the two couches with some sort of energy field that Rey could not get out of with the Force, for some reason.

 _Neither can I,_ Kylo said in her head. _Something else we have in common…_ He sent her a steamy mind-picture of wrapping her in the shimmering, transparent silk of his seductive voice. Rey ripped it apart with her mind-picture lightsaber.

 _Fuck off,_ she thought. _That_ NEVER _happened, remember?_

The most alarming part of the situation was the restless crowd seated stadium style around the front of the stage. The leering mix of beings from all corners of the galaxy (and a few others…) was entirely too close for anyone's comfort.

"I can smell them through my helmet, the scum," muttered Phasma, clinging to her vision of the order that the First Order would bring to an eventually grateful (and squeaky clean) galaxy.

"I think someone drugged us," Finn repeated.

"You _think?"_ Hux growled.

"Could be worse," Poe snapped.

A chill swept through Rey as waves of jealous wrath welled up in the Force.

"…It's worse."

"Hux! Sweetie! It's been so long!"

Hux went white.

" _Mom?"_

The crowd went wild as a white-haired man in a business suit and clear rimmed glasses entered on the right side of the stage, followed by four women and a shaking Gungan carrying a holo-projector.

The tall, graying woman dressed in high 'Imperial Lady' style (whatever that is) rushed over and pulled Hux into a hug.

"My _baby!_ "

" _Not here Mom!"_ he hissed, growing redder than his hair.

"Now now Lady Hux, there will be time enough for that later," said the man in the suit, smiling the brightest, whitest, toothiest smile that Rey had ever seen. The women sat down on the other couch. Rey and Kylo winced in unison as varying degrees of anticipation and flat-out rage emanated from them. The Gungan set the holo-projector between the couches, within full view of all ten…'guests'.

"Ladies and Gentlebeings! Welcome to the 10,000th episode of the one…the only…JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!"

The crowd leapt to it's collective feet, screaming.

"What the _hell_ is this?" Poe yelled. "Who are you people?"

"Now now, Mr. Dameron, remember, it is critical that all of you abide by the conduct code of the show." The man turned toward them and _winked._ "As for why you are here…I leave that to the Lady Hux!"

Hux's mother stood grandly, sweeping her gleaming train behind her.

"Hux…I have a confession to make. I – I – I don't know if I can say this!"

The crowd yelled, squealed, and gurgled encouragement as tears welled up in her huge blue eyes. Hux's face shifted from white to green.

"I…Have not been faithful to my husband. It was just one time!" she wailed, falling to her knees in front of her son. "But he was just so gentle and kind…And you know how Brendol can be…"

"Oh Force no…" said Hux.

"Yes!" said Lady Hux dramatically. "And the timing…It was about nine months before you were born, and I never…I never had the courage to…"

"I'm not a Hux?" Hux whispered, dazed.

"I don't know," she said, wringing her hands. "But Mr. Springer here has agreed to check, to help me and these women here. We must know the truth after all of these years!"

"Hey, lady, no offense, but I already know the truth." A 6'3'' blonde woman with piercing blue eyes got up from the couch, wrenched the microphone from Jerry and strode to center stage. Her hair was waist length and threaded with leather, beads, and what looked suspiciously like human bones. She wore skintight leather armor, showing off a substantial bosom and broad shoulders. A shining golden circlet kept her wild hair away from her face.

"…And I, Brienne, Princess of the Tribe of Tarth, am proud to name the father of my child, the warrior Lu – "  
Lady Hux snarled and grabbed the Amazon's arm.

"We were having a _moment!"_ she hissed. She couldn't get both hands around Brienne's bicep.

The princess sniffed and shrugged her shoulder, tossing lady Hux to the ground.

"OOOOOoooohhhhh!" said the crowd. She turned towards the second couch. The six captives shrank back in terror.

"Phasma," said Brienne, inclining her head in respect. "You have brought your tribe much honor."

Phasma jerked in her seat. The couch shook as the energy field rebounded against her strength.

"You…Are my _mother?"_ she whispered. She removed her helmet with trembling hands. The crowd (and her couch-mates) gasped at the resemblance between her and Brienne.

 _I can see where this is going,_ thought Rey, a mixture of excitement and dread spreading through her. She eyed the remaining two women on the other couch. Neither looked anything like her, but…

 _Then where's_ my _Mom?_ thought Kylo. His mind voice dripped with the gooey pain of rejection.

 _Will you stop that?_ Rey glared at him as the force field released Phasma, who ran to her (…mother?) and pulled her into a bone-crushing, armor clanking hug.

"I never knew you!" she wailed.

"The Empire took you from me!" Brienne growled. "Now the First Order has you, and you know NOTHING of your heritage! Your choice in MATES alone…" Phasma blinked.

"…Mates?"

"Only the strongest of warriors is worthy to couple with the Princesses of Tarth!"

Kylo adjusted his robes, turning an almost-impossible shade of purple. Hux made a valiant effort to hide behind Rey, who smacked him in the face.

There was a collective gasp as Brienne strode over to the couch and grabbed Hux by the throat.

"Hey!" yelled Kylo. He lashed out with the Force…only to have it rebound against the energy holding him in place and smack him flat in the face. Rey snickered. The crowd went wild.

"YES," Brienne roared. "You require your OTHER mate to defend you. You are not WORTHY to lick my daughter's boots!"

"…Too late," Phasma muttered, turning red.

"He did her armor too," said Kylo helpfully.

"Wait…what?" Poe looked rapidly back and forth between the three. A gleeful grin spread across his face.

"Dude…" said Finn.

"Thank you _so much_ for that image guys," said Rey. _How does that even_ work? She'd never found the logistics of threesomes to be especially clear…When a guy was in the middle, at least. Unless nobody hated each other. And everyone took turns. And it was full of sharing and majestic love and fluffy kittens….

 _Oh, it works well. Very,_ very _well,_ thought Kylo.

 _Fuck. You._

 _If you insist…_ Kylo pulled Rey into his lap. She yelped and bit his ear off.

"Aaaaaahhh!" Kylo yelled, his blood spattering everywhere. Rey scooted over into Phasma's spot, grinning smugly.

"Hey, I thought you were into that shit," she said, licking her lips. "Embrace the passion and the rage and pain through leather and butt plugs, or something," said Rey. "And after what Hux did to your a – "

"THAT WAS PRIVATE!" yelled Hux, his eyes bugging as the oxygen to his brain cut off.

Brienne smirked and dropped him.

"Well then. A male with the strength to command my daughter's Dark mate…Perhaps you are not entirely useless after all." She turned on her heel and went back to the couch. Phasma followed. Both Kylo and Rey gagged on the sugary bliss seeping from the Captain.

"Wait…" said Finn. "You were about to say something…"

"Yes indeed!" said Jerry. "But I think we should hear from the other ladies first, don't you?"

"Quite." The elegant dark-skinned woman next to Brienne grabbed the microphone and walked over to Finn. She sat on the arm of the couch and took his hand. He stared back with a mixture of anticipation and shock.

"My son. It gives me more joy than I can say that you have earned a Name," she said. Finn swallowed.

"You're my mother?" The woman nodded serenely, her dark eyes kind and full of joy.

"Search your feelings," she said gently. "You know it to be true." Rey froze as the woman reached out into the Force. The bright light of her presence hovered gently near Finn's small star. He _reached._ And Rey almost blacked out as the Force was flooded with light. Kylo screamed bloody murder, blood erupting from his nose.

"Finn…" she said. "You're…"

"Really damn Force sensitive?" said Finn's mother. "No shit. Everyone on Haruun Kal is. It's just his conditioning that's been blocking him. Now, with your help, he can realize his destiny. And if the First Order hadn't taken him…" She smiled brightly at Hux. Kylo whimpered in terror. Rey made a valiant attempt to jump behind the couch. "…He would be training with you, dear Rey..."

"Yes," she said quietly. The supernova of Finn's Force presence left no doubt.

"…Together in the Force with your Father."

"Mother…" said Finn. Then his mind screeched to a halt. "Wait, training with my Father? But there's only…"

"Yes, dearest. You are the heir of a proud line of Jedi. Your father is Luke Skywalker."

Mere words cannot describe the reaction of the crowd. Suffice to say that many, many Holonet message boards died to bring us this information.

While the six captives were justifiably shocked into silence, Lady Hux got to her feet, the information having jolted her out of her fetal position on the floor.

"Luke…Skywalker?" she said. Kylo watched in horror as Wrath that would have made Snoke proud blasted out in all directions.

"YOU SLUT!" The demure Imperial Lady's face contorted into a post-Force-Lightning-to-the-face–Palpatine-like mask of rage. She dived for Finn's mother's throat –

-Only to be knocked back by the mighty fist of Brienne of Tarth.

"Let us hear what Jonia of Haruun Kal has to say."

"Yes," said the brown-haired woman who had remained silent until now. Her hair was done up in three elaborate, braided buns. " _Let's."_

A ball of ice settled low in Rey's stomach. Kylo eyed her warily, the implications (of course) flying right over his head.  
Jonia of Haruun Kal launched into an epic, romantic story involving the defense of her world (populated entirely by Force-sensitive humans, and yeah, that's totally canon, Mace Windu was born there, so ha), and the defeat of one of the nastier remnants of the Empire.

She was just getting into the joys of mystical Force sex (to the crowd's hooting glee), when Rey had had enough.

"SHUT UP!" she yelled, her face white. "We're clearing this up right the **BLEEP** now! Wait, what?" She tapped her mouth in horror. She'd said the word, the horrible word, the word that you can't say on daytime Holonet talk shows. But –

 **"** **BLEEP!'** she yelled at the top of her lungs. **"BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEP!"**

"Holy Force," said Poe.

"That's the censors for you," said Hux, smiling. "Just wait until we – " Then he froze as he drew the same conclusion as Rey.

"Mom? Did you, uhm…how do I say this… _do_ Luke Skywalker?"

There was a very pregnant (hah!) pause.

"…Yes," she said, sinking to her knees. "It is only now, with the mysterious food-poisoning death of my husband that I have the courage to come forward and discover the truth!"

"I'd say the odds are in Skywalker's favor," Poe muttered to Rey, across Kylo, whose nose had started bleeding again.

"Oh no…Oh nonononono…"

"Oh yes," said Jerry, smirking maniacally. "Kylo, how does it feel to know that you may have…'known'…your first cousin?"

"Shouldn't be too bad," said Phasma. "Because if this is going where I think it's going, I _know_ my _half brother."_

"Ok, yeah, this is pretty bad," said Finn. "But that doesn't explain why Rey and Poe are here…Does it? I mean, Poe, your parents did the wild Wookie love thing all the time, from what you told me, right?"

Poe turned bright red.

"Actually…"

"…That brings us to the next part!" yelled Jerry, over the ensuing yells of the crowd. He nodded at the Gungan near the holoprojector. Poe's mother and father swam into focus.

"Poe, if you are watching this, it means that one or both of us has met a premature end," said Poe's mom, smiling sadly. "I am, as we speak, preparing to go on a mission for the New Republic that will likely result in my death. I – " Poe's dad gestured, and the camera panned out to show a smiling, much-younger Luke Skywalker.

"Crap on a stick," muttered Finn.

"Who knew three-ways were hereditary?" said Kylo.

 _Hypocrite,_ he thought at Rey.

Rey drew on the Force to tune out the entirely too specific parameters of the Damerons' blissful poly relationship with her Master.

"So they just never bothered to find out?" Finn squeaked, almost as red as Hux.

"Hey!" A mysteriously amplified voice rose above the crowd. "What the hell is you guys' problem?"

Jerry's smile, if that was possible, grew even wider. He threw another microphone at the 6'4'', totally shredded, shirtless man with a tattoo of a flaming five-pointed star on his chest.

"YEAHHH MOOSE!" screamed several random human females.

"Yeah!" A taller-in-person, also shirtless, massively hot man with a matching tattoo jumped up and grabbed the microphone. "Seriously, you're _half_ brothers! That's _barely related!"_

"Embrace the love!" yelled the shredded man.

"Yes…My brother is the only man for me!" The shorter man promptly grabbed 'Moose' and laid a loud, wet, kiss straight on the lips. "No baby possibilities!" he yelled when he came up for air. "So no harm, no foul!"

Distantly, Rey heard a thousand Holonet forums cry out in terror (or glee, depending on where you were) and were most definitely _not_ silenced.

"Easy for you to say!" Phasma yelled.

"Judgemental BITCH!" A pair of gorgeous, golden haired, green eyed, fraternal twins jumped up. The man was in full white armor and a white cloak. His buxom female counterpart was wearing a sweeping, red-and-gold gown and a gleaming gold diadem. They pulled up the three suspiciously similar blonde haired, green-eyed, children with them, one of whom was wearing a tacky gold crown, and was a contender for Greatest Douche in the Universe. A red flag with a golden lion fluttered behind the enraged 'family'.

Half the audience eyed the door as the ominous tones of 'The Rains of Castamere' filled the room.

The two shirtless men blinked in shock.

"Oh, HELL no," said the taller brother.

 _"You brought the Colt, right?"_ whispered his smoking-hot brother-boyfriend.

 _"We might need Cas, too. Get on your knees, Mr. More Profound Bond!"_

Jerry pulled a whistle out of his somewhere.

"Settle down everyone, settle down! We haven't even heard from Ms. Sue Smith!"

Rey watched, appalled, as a plainly dressed but still as-stunning-as-the-light-of-a-thousand-suns woman stood up and faced the crowd.

"It was just over twenty years ago…" she stared wistfully off into the distance.

"You totally slept with him too, didn't you?" said Rey. The woman blinked.

"…Yes," she said, smiling. "And it was the most amazing night of my life. I mean, your Father is seriously hu – "

"LALALALALA LAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Rey smacked her hands over her ears.

"Ok, you guys totally win the crazy incest threesome award," said Kylo. "We've only got two half-siblings and a cousin in our OT3." He leered at Rey. "The cousins thing isn't so bad, is it? Actually, it's kind of h-"

 **"** **BLEEP** yourself with your **BLEEPING BLEEP** of a lightsaber!"

"Hey, that was low!" _Nobody disses my lightsaber!_

"Oh, no **BLEEPING** way," said Poe.

"REY!" yelled Finn.

Hux curled up into a little ball, whimpering. This was slowly but surely _breaking him._

Lady Hux turned even redder. Rey's Mom pulled a bloodstained knife out of her cleavage.

"Go ahead. Make my day."

"Ladies, Gentlebeings!" Jerry waved his hands, his Force presence quivering with excitement. "The results of the tests are in…For those of you who are in any doubt!" Lady Hux's hands balled into fists. Brienne of Tarth casually reached for one of the several dozen weapons stashed in improbable places that she'd snuck into the studio. Jonia dropped into an open-hand Vaapad stance. Rey shook as a veritable flood of possessiveness emanated from all four women.

"And here to present the findings…We have a surprise guest this evening."

"Oh Force, please no," Hux whimpered.

"Suck it up, bitch," said Rey, thanking the Living and Unifying Force that she'd had that contraceptive/STD blocking microchip thingy since she turned 18.

"The living legend, the man himself…Jedi Master Luke Skywalker!"

The ensuing standing ovation blew out half the studio lights…Fortunately for Jerry. The techs had an extra five minutes to whip out the Force pikes and get the 'guests' back into their seats, and Luke on a small stool between the two couches. His face was bright red, and a maximum-strength Force inhibitor collar was locked around his throat.

Rey shot him a sympathetic look. Not _too_ sympathetic, though.

"I swear, I didn't know!" he whispered. Rey's glare could have stripped paint.

"Let's not make assumptions, everyone! Master Skywalker, if you please?"

Jerry waved the remote control to Luke's collar threateningly.

The Force blocker couldn't completely suppress the wave of distinctly un-Jedi-like rage. Kylo smiled broadly. The Skywalker Genes apparently lived on.

"Let's just get this over with," Rey muttered. Luke clenched his jaw and ripped open the envelope.

"One at a time, please, Master Skywalker," said Jerry, his finger ghosting over the shock setting on the collar.

"Brendol Hux II," said Luke. "I am your Father."

Hux fainted. Lady Hux swooned.

"I will always remember our night of uninhibited _passion!"_ she cried. "I – "

"Poe Dameron. I am your father," said Luke quickly.

Poe shrugged.

"We're cool," he said. Luke sighed with relief.

"Captain Phasma. I am your father…That one was a foregone conclusion, I might add," he said.

"Yes, the mysterious Living Force fertility ritual has never failed to produce mighty daughters for the honor of clan Tarth," said Brienne with pride. "I only bring the finest of males to the Alter of Zabool. All present declared that our coupling resonated far and wide in the consciousness of the tribe, and the fabric of the universe itself…"

"She means that we did it on Zabool's alter and kicked off a planet-wide orgy," said Luke dryly. "What?" he said, as Phasma inched slowly away from her mother. "It was actually pretty awesome."

"You have my eternal gratitude, sir Jedi," said Brienne.

 _Is she_ blushing? _Son of a bitch,_ thought Rey.

"Finn," Luke continued, looking rather flustered. "I am your father."

The energy field dropped as Finn jumped up and hugged him.

"Awwwwwwwwwww," said the crowd.

"And Rey," said Luke. "I am your father."

"So I gathered," said Rey. Luke blinked.

"You're not upset?"

"No," said Rey. "It's actually pretty awesome. It's just that _I found out that I'm_ ** _BLEEPING_** _related to everyone I've_ ** _BLEEPED."_**

She bid a regretful farewell to the dozens of scorching Master/Apprentice fantasies she'd been 'indulging' on Exile Island when her Master was asleep. Luke nodded understandingly, thankfully missing _that_ particular chain of thought.

"It's the Skywalker Curse," he said. "When I was your age…"

"No…No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Kylo jumped to his feet and activated his lightsaber, the sheer magnitude of his rage shattering the field locking him to the couch.

"Settle down, settle down…" said Jerry, casually deactivating Luke's inhibitor and releasing Rey, Poe, and Hux from the couch.

Luke whipped out his own saber.

"It was just a kiss! We didn't know! Chill the **BLEEP** out!"

"What?" A very confused Rey activated her lightsaber and moved to cover him.

"He kissed Kylo's Mom," said Poe helpfully, reaching for the popcorn. "Who is his 100% sister, in case you forgot."

"Skywalker Curse!" Rey yelled.

"…And it was more like 3 kisses, to be honest. They were pretty epic, too," said Poe.

"Back off, asshole," said Rey's Mom, pressing her knife to Kylo's back. "He's _mine."_

" **BLEEP NO** BITCH!" Lady Hux drew herself up to her full height and pulled a blaster as big as her leg out of her dress.

"YOU ARE ALL UNWORTHY!" Brienne ripped off her armor, revealing that, underneath, she was wearing only a metal bikini and about 50 knives.

"What the **BLEEP** are you doing!" Phasma yelled, tugging on her mother's arm.

Hux dragged himself out of his torpor long enough to dive behind the couch as Kylo's saber came crashing down where Rey had been standing a second before. She cackled with glee and dived in to meet his next swing while Luke attacked the cross-guard.

He wanted to test the theory that those stupid exhaust ports would avert the _other_ Skywalker Curse…Limb Removal by Lightsaber.

And his ass of a nephew _really_ had it coming.

Finn and his Mom stood in unison.

"Now this," she said. "Is **BLEEPING** bull **BLEEP."**

"Agreed," said Finn. They dropped into full-on battle stances. Poe eyed his half-brother-boyfriend's rippling muscles appreciatively.

Lady Hux cocked her blaster.

Brienne and Phasma of Tarth drew six different kinds of blades.

Sue Smith raised her knife and summoned a ball of Force Lightning.

Hux whimpered.

Poe smirked.

"You guys got beer?" he asked, through a mouthful of popcorn.

Then the two Jedi and the Knight of Ren broke the saber lock, and all hell broke loose.

"YOU **BLEEPING** SLUT!"

"EAT PLASMA **BLEEP** HEAD!"

"Our love defies - **BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEEEEEP!**

"JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!"

It was the day that finally broke the Holonet.

When the dust settled, only Rey and Luke were still standing. Rey spit out another piece of Kylo's ear. Finn woke slowly, mostly because Kylo's right hand was in his lap, and _not_ in the fun way. Poe (on his third bowl of popcorn) threw the still-twitching hand into the still-screaming crowd, where it was torn apart within seconds. Luke was sweating buckets, but was really more annoyed than mad.

"We good?" he yelled, looking around at his semi-conscious spawn.

"Yeah," said Finn.

"Totally," said Poe.

"Eeep…" said Hux, not that anybody cared.

"Yes, Rebel scum," said Phasma.

Rey shrugged.

"Sure. Can we go do Episode VIII now?"

 **THE END**


End file.
